Driving in the Dark, sorta

Today was the day I was supposed to go over to my sister’s house, up in VA. A good hour drive. I am lazy first thing in the morning and don’t quite get the motivation to get out the door so my plans change. I decide we will aim for after nap time for the natives. Seems pretty reasonable as I still have things to pack, chicken to cut and freeze, house to clean, and shower to take. Works out great, get out the door about 1:40pm and think, “Who didn’t put the dvd players in the car?” Answer, probably me, but I’m blaming it on the teenagers, it’s easier that way and I can’t blame the hubby because he…well…he’d just throw it back in my face and then I’d have to take the blame then, so it’s the kids fault. Enough said.

We are heading up to VA and are on Highway 32 so the speed limit it mostly 55. As I get to the state line, I see 4 cars and I’m thinking, “I hope they are going the speed limit because I can’t pass more than 2 at a time”. I get up to them pretty face and I’m not speeding. So, I’m thinking out loud, “Oh for crying out loud, the speed limit is 55, not 35”! Then I see a vehicle from the other direction on the side of the road pulled off onto the grass with two vehicles behind it that are waiting for him to pull out into the road. I don’t know what he was doing but I’m looking at the road as I drive by to see if it’s something in the road. Nothing was there. I look further down the road and there is another car on the side of the road. Now I’m thinking, “What are the on the side for”? Then I see a “FOR SALE” sign and now I know they are most likely getting the phone numbers to find out about the property. Then we get around a curve and there is at least 10 cars on the side of the road. Now I’m thinking, “WT? Am I missing something here? Why are they all on the side of the road? Do we have a red carpet? What in the world?” Now a bit more up the road (which by the way, I’ve been on for about 18 miles so far) I see more cars, probably 20 on the side of the road AND I’m still going 35 miles an hour. It took me at least another 5 minutes before I finally say out loud, “Would somebody please pass the person in the front? My Lord, this is taking forever”! THEN it hits me!!!! It’s a funeral precession!! Opps!! I guess forever is a long time for the person in front right now, huh? So, they finally turn off Highway 32…the street before I do. I guess my day wasn’t so bad after all, hmm? Glad I didn’t pass anyone, that would have been a bit awkward. 

I finally get to my sisters’ house and the natives are helping ME get them out of their car seats! They had had enough. Later we go to the store to do some shopping and that was pretty funny seeing a line of 3 shopping carts going down the same isle, but nothing really good happened there, except buying $109.80 worth of groceries for $41.52. Just as we are pulling into my sisters driveway, Z has closed her eyes and decided she’s had enough for the day. It was an hour past their bedtime and she wanted a few zzz’s before the real bedtime. Not on my watch! We were entertaining Z for the ride up the driveway. Once we get them in the house. Z notices that now she is being made to go to bed and she doesn’t like it AT ALL. She screams like a mouse has run across her foot, like a roach has crawled on her food, like a red headed step-child! That girl does not want to go to sleep now and she has a terrible, ear piercing scream. It’s so high pitched, she could break glass, or at least my ear drum. 5 minutes after I walk out of the room they are sleeping in, the natives are out for the count. Peace and quiet, at last. We’ll head home tomorrow while church is still in session and it’s too early for funerals.

One more day survived. WooHoo!!

The Natives are learning to work the system

I did not want to get up this morning. I had just gone to sleep. I know. It was 2:30 in the morning. It’s only 6:50 in the morning when G decides everyone should get up. Uugghh. So…G, Z and myself arrive downstairs at 7am.

I’m feeling lazy this morning and I must have slept wrong because my back is killing me, so I make their milk sippy cups and they start guzzling them down like a frat party contest, except without the funnel. Then I’m thinking, maybe instead of cereal this morning, they might want something really easy…a poptart!!! OK, they go for it and run off to the living room because it’s the one place they can go that still has blue carpet with clean spots. All of a sudden, all hell has broken loose. Z has taken G’s half of the poptart and he wants it back!! Now!! So I do the normal thing and tell her to give it back and that we don’t take other people’s food, blah, blah, blah. She looks at it and then licks it!!! G is screaming bloody murder. Z is slowly licking the frosting on the pop-tart while looking at her brother to see what he thinks!! That girl is spiteful!! That girl is mean!! That girl is going to make my hair go white before she is 10!! That girl is not allowed to play truth or dare!! That girl is not going on a date until she’s 21!! Uugghh!! Poor G, he’s going to have a sister who will torture him as they get older. I’m nervous, scared, and starting to fear for the natives as they get older. G will do things just because he can, Z will do things just because you say she can’t!! Ooiyah. 

I have started to bribe G. The natives think that anything is up for grabs because well…they see their big brothers doing it or it’s within possible reach if they move this and climb that. Anyways, G wants a piece of cheese, he opens the fridge and goes for it. I have to tell him I will get it but he can’t open the fridge or I will pop his butt. He looks at me with an “AS IF!” look on his face. Now I do pop their butts but it’s more of a, Well, I showed them kinda thing instead of a Ouch mommy hit me kinda thing. So yesterday, G wanted bubbles but it was naptime. He doesn’t care, he wants bubbles!! So what do I do? Yep, tell him we will do bubbles after your nap. OK, he looks at me like he is wondering if he can trust me and then goes to get his sock monkey for nap time. Nap time is over and about 3 minutes after coming back downstairs he walks over to the counter and yells for the bubbles!! Yes, yell!! So… big brother A1 plays with the bubbles and the natives. It’s really adorable. Now, today we need to go to the store but it has to wait until after nap time. Yep, I had to bribe him again. As soon as he gets up from nap time, he gets his crocs and his sisters’ crocs and screeches for me to help put them on so we can go. 20 minutes after that…we are on our way to the store. This child scares me. He has a great memory and he doesn’t forget anything! My answers to him will sooner rather than later become, “I don’t know. We’ll see.” Pretty fast I’m thinking. 

I do want to at least post here that I went to 3 stores. I got nothing at the first, 2 packs of razors and 4 packs of baby wipes for $7. Then I went to the last store and bought 2 bottles of fabric softener, tax was .20 (yep, twenty cents) and I ended up giving the cashier .18 (yep, eighteen cents). I thought those were pretty good deals. I’m heading to my sister’s tomorrow so I can get a few more deals. I’m going to try to get 4 different deals for under $20 total. I’m gonna try anyways. 

One more day survived. WooHoo!!

Calgon...take me away!!! Please!!!

My kids are driving me crazy! I only say that because I’ve been with them for weeks without time to myself. Don’t beat me and don’t think I’m a crappy parent, I need adult interaction. I’m thinking the cashier at the grocery store might have to work but I’m not sure how’d they’d feel me talking to them for an hour and holding up the line. Lol My sister is a good source of adult interaction but talking on the phone at 10 o’clock at night for 2 hours only does so much. We’ve actually been on the phone for 35 minutes right now as I type because we are waiting on the new sales ad that comes up at midnight so we can plan our shopping trips for tomorrow. She lives in another state, an hour away, so we don’t see each other as much as I’d like. Of course she’s a b*tch so we are well suited for each other as we are related. Her son gets switched by aliens as much as my two teenagers get switched so I’m not sure how the aliens know to use our kids for experiments as we live a ways away from each other.

G got into the Vaseline and decided to use it as a mouse in his hair…2 days ago. I used the regular shampoo last night and his hair was still stuck to his head. Tonight’s bath including a Dawn dishwashing liquid shampoo…and it’s still in his hair! I’m guessing I’ll be using the Dawn for a few more days. Maybe I should have gotten a scented dishwashing liquid so his hair will smell good too. Of course, I’m thinking because I have curly hair and I’ve seen how well his has stayed in one spot, maybe I should use it for mine? I don’t know, having oily hair might not be a good look for me either. Guess I’ll just work on his with the Dawn, over and over and over, until his hair is soft and beautiful again.

G has become a comedian. He thinks my jokes and pranks on him are hilarious and he thinks the one’s he plays are just as hilarious! He is such a happy native unless he wants something sweet to eat or if his sister is in the way. Now that’s not to say he is always mean to his sister because if she needs something or if she gets into trouble and starts to cry, he will go over and hug her…which is so sweet and then I’m not upset at her so she will live another day in this house. 

Z has become an expert at getting out of her clothes in seconds. Almost every single time I look at her, she has her pants off or at her feet. Now I know this girl doesn’t have a butt, but she’s getting these things off in record time. My little girl will be a stripper when she grows up I can see right now and with at least 16 to 18 years more experience, I’m sure she will be bringing in the money. I guess maybe one of my kids will be able to support me in my old age…which at this time could start in just a couple of years as I’ve noticed gray hair popping out all over my head with the natives and the teenagers wearing me down.

All I know is I’m tired. Tired of kids. Tired of arguing. Tired of being tired. I need to sleep for a few days or until I get bed sores. Then I need to spend a few hours away from the house without a native or two. I also need to liquidate all my assets so I can be debt free and spend their inheritance before they kill me because that’s just the kind of person I am. Don’t want to leave nothing for the natives or their older brothers. Bahaha

One more day survived. WooHoo!!

Happy 4th of July Party

Fourth of July party was great, At least for those drunk and the kids. I personally didn’t drink anything as I’d drank some Disaronno the night before. I had actually finished off a bottle and I wasn’t feeling quite like drinking two nights in a row. I know I’m getting old but I can accept that as I just wasn’t feeling great. I had sandpaper in my eyes and a dull ache at my temples as well as four children who wanted my undivided attention at ever single moment while I was walking around in slow motion so I wouldn’t jar my head or make the sandpaper scratch my eyeballs more. So there will be no drinking for the 4^th of July party at my house by this writer.

The participants started arriving at 2:30pm to unload all their goody’s, food, kids, liquor and fireworks. Yes we had fireworks. I mean after all these years I figure, I’ve usually got at least 5 to 10 firefighters, they should know what to do and what not to do. Right? Yeah, right, about that later. So, people start arriving, two by two, four by four, baseball teams and basketball teams and then the oldest and youngest are starting to make noise. No music, yep, the radio silently sits there waiting for one brave soul to turn a knob or switch a button, but they are all afraid. And I’ll admit, I’m running around past everyone at breakneck speed at this point but only because I don’t know where to go or what to do and there is still a list of things that need to be done, until I realize, my husband has all of a sudden went on vacation…just in time for the party, so nothing else will be done until the next day (he’s putting in a new kitchen faucet now as I type). People have brought their chairs, coolers, towels, ice and tents. People are walking through my house as if they live in a barn. Flies are coming in the door in record numbers because the food is all on the table. The flies are here for the buffet of bar-b-que ribs, pork bar-b-que, pasta salads, potato salads and all the extra trimmings that they can land on and spread their germs. Now of course, I’m not saying that the people are NOT spreading their germs because they are and I’ve seen at least two people double dipping so yum!! We all can have those people’s germs, woohoo! Thank you, I couldn’t have lived without your germs and I mean that is the crappiest sense of sarcasm I can possible think of at this moment.

Just as we decide if we are going to do the fireworks, I see one of my kids heading out in the water. And heading out. And heading out. Now you can walk for about a ¼ of a mile and the water will still be at your hips. I’m yelling for the 3 to come back but the wind is blowing towards me so I know they can’t hear so as it’s starting to get dark and I don’t know where the drop off is, I start to get worried. I know my kids can swim and better than me but I can’t just sit there and watch them drown that far out or be sucked under or something, so my friend sends two other kids to get them and I’m thinking, no I’m getting them as it is getting dark and I’m still getting scared because they are getting smaller and smaller and the waves are choppy at this point. I jump off the bulkhead and start walking out to where I think they are and I continue to walk and walk and walk and I’m really getting scared because I can’t see them now and I’m really afraid of being on or in the water when it’s dark but I’m more afraid of seeing my child washed up on a beach so I continue to walk and after at least 15 minutes of walking, I finally spot the three boys and turn a little to the left towards where they are standing, waist deep, doing little dives into the water and it wasn’t A2 who was in the water like I thought, it was A1 and I yell. Yep, I yelled because I was pissed because it was getting dark, glad they were still alive, angry because I was wet, and they were standing there laughing having a good time. So, we get back to land 30 minutes after I jumped into the water wearing my white short pants and pink panties and I walk past everyone without saying anything but I do give my husband a look that said, “Don’t say anything.” Of course he’s giving me a look that says, “I’m glad it wasn’t me.” A1 turned 19 the day of the party but lord did he act like he was one of the 2 year old natives. And just for the record, I’m an optimist who thinks pessimistic thoughts and they weren’t pretty for those 30 minutes in the water. So A1 stayed really close to the house for the rest of the party, you can bet. A2 of course made sure he was within my sight for the rest of the party too. My kids aren’t scared of me but they sure fear me and I can live with that because I tell them ways I’d take them out on any given day to keep that fear alive.

At dusk we decide to light off the fireworks as the wind has settled down from about 30mph to about 28mph and only my house is in the line of what could essentially be a big 4^th of July party turned into a big bon fire with firefighters sitting around with beer and marshmallows singing a classic song from the 70’s. So, I wake up the natives so they won’t be screaming during the fireworks and can watch the bright lights shoot into the sky. The babies are sitting with my sister and husband while I stand back and watch the booms and hear the ooohhh’s and aaahhh’s from the natives. My sister and husband decide the natives have had enough and we head back into the house to wait until the show is over before putting them in bed again by watching Mickey Mouse. All of a sudden I see a lot of fireworks and just as I say, “Wow, that must be…..Why are they so close to the house?” A stampede enters my house, yelling for me and my husband, saying, the sucker who was lighting the fireworks is in trouble and kids are screaming and crying and adults are re-living the split seconds before they made it into the house second ago. So my husband throws G to me and heads out, I of course want to see the carnage so I throw G to my sister who has Z in her arms already and I “try” to head out. My husband must have made it through as I can’t find him in the crowd that has congregated in the sunroom and kitchen. I finally make it out a few minutes later and there is cardboard everywhere, plastic everywhere, chairs everywhere, coolers everywhere and firefighters standing around telling what they saw to each other while my husband is grabbing the water hose to make sure all the embers are out because there are quite a few in the yard. I’m actually thinking how thankful I am that the fireworks were being set off on the bulkhead because I’m sure a lot of hot fireworks went that way into the water. So me being the boss that I am, I tell them to start picking up the trash that used to be fireworks so I don’t have to do it in the morning after they are all gone and all of sudden rakes and trashcans appear out of nowhere and men are actually doing what I asked. Yeah, me!! Now my husband was the sucker who lit the fireworks last year and you can bet the sucker who did them this year will probably not volunteer next year, of course I could be wrong and probably am. By the way, he’s fine, a little charred on his shirt but his fireworks lighting days might be over unless they are sparklers. 

Can't wait to see what happens next year.

One more day survived. WooHoo!!